It got to be a lot of pressure. I went the extra mile to try to save my relationship, planned to move out on my own again, and ace every test…I was almost there, but to busy to notice I was losing my mind again, until the depression and anxiety came along and ever so gracefully pulled me down into a bottle of vodka and 60 benzodiazepines. I laid down for my final nap and I was at peace, but coherent. My parents found me, called the ambulance. I said things like, I feel great, I have no thoughts, I feel closer to heaven. I said prayers. But I has high off the benzos and life was indeed slowing down. My family and amazing doctors somehow got me to drink activated charcoal and I excreted black for about an hour. I woke up somewhere I don’t remember going: the psych hospital again. I had been doing so well until he came back into my life. Now he is out for good. I realize he is a toxic person: poison to my mind.
Needless to say, I will be taking more time to stabilize before I get back to my goals. I’ve added a few priority ones to the list. l almost died a week ago and now I attend group therapy daily. We process, learn coping skills, even color…I call it Adult Elementary. I even dropped my lunch tray on one of my first days, how embarrassing! But embarrassment is mild and passes quickly thereafter. Depression can be fatal. I’m medicated again…and not going off…I know I said this before, but now I know how dangerous it can be to be sick and not have anyway to express it. So meds it is. Avoid triggers. And Express what I’m feeling: Right now I feel sleepy…a blessing. Goodnight and look forward to more positive goal-oriented posts. Thanks for reading.
eternallylabile 